Middle Village,Queens: Then and Now

When we couldn't take living together anymore we went our separate ways.
Pa, "Stephan", and I moved to Middle Village, Queens.
Moving day was crazy as usual.
My cat Shea was crying to get out of her cage.
So I took her upstairs to our apartment.
I stayed there while "Stephan" and "Alex" moved our stuff into the apartment.
A few minutes passed and "Alex" came upstairs and told me to come down to watch the truck.
Then he asked me if I saw where Pa parked his car because it is missing.
I told him no and I found out that his car was towed.

Pa parked it where you can only park there Mon-Fri. We moved in Saturday.
"Alex" blamed it on me for not paying attention to where he parked it, he told "Stephan" that I need to stop living in another world in my head.
Translation=Airhead.
I wasn't even there,when Pa parked the car,I was upstairs.
Anyway, "Alex" called the tow people to find out when he can get his car back.
"Stephan" was also upset about it too, he boxes and a baby picture frame of me were in the car.
He got them back eventually.
When all our stuff was in each of the places they belong.
My father bought Chinese food for dinner.
It took about a day for our things to be placed in the right places.

It has been a struggle for "Stephan" and I when it comes to finding and keeping jobs.
Many arguments by our father for us to get jobs.
I personally wish I did have one so I can leave this bottomless pit of agony of a life living with him.
Never have to worry about clothes, make-up,pads, and other things if I had money to buy them.
I have a harder time getting work than "Stephan" because I don't have work experience and no high school diploma.

The rest of our lives here I wrote in my computer but my computer died so I might have lost everything and I don't remember what happened and what I wrote so I'm going to fast-forward a few months.

Long Island

Ha, my family invented the word Dysfunctional.
Our move to Long Island was the start of our hell.
"Edgar" wasn't kidding when he told "Stephan" living together with "Alex" and "Rachel" was a big mistake.
It started when they consistently ridiculed the way I took care of my nephew (their son) "Ron".
They are first time parents and they were a nightmare to work for.

The arrangement was "Alex" would pay for my high school diploma program and I would babysit little "Ron".
My father was responsible to buy milk for little "Ron" and when he got the wrong one I got yelled at.
I always told Pa to buy what "Alex" wanted but Pa seem to think he knew better and bought what he wanted.

"Stephan" and Pa got into an heated argument about it.
"Stephan" told him that because he buys the wrong milk all the time, "Jessica gets in trouble." He thought it wasn't fair to blame me since I have no control over a grown man like our father.
He also said it was their responsibilities for their child's needs.
Then there was Pa's smoking problem,
"Alex" did not want him smoking at home since the smoke travels to their place.
"Alex" even accused me of smoking once because he smelled smoke and since Pa wasn't there, it had to be me.
"Stephan" and I told him that smoke smell lingers for awhile and Pa smoked before he left.

I have never smoked and drank in my life. I am proud of that because I swore I would never be my father.
That's not the Fucking Worst thing they ever accused me of.
When they dared to accuse my of this that was the last thread holding our relationship together.
I will never forgive them.
They accused me of being a child molester even though they didn't say that word they might as well have.
Lil "Ron" started kissing or tried kissing people on their lips. They thought I taught him that because they didn't, they even asked their friends who have kids if their kids do the same thing and they said no.
So naturally it must be my fault.
I was speechless and crying. I told them no I didn't.
I couldn't breathe, I was so shocked that my own brother would falsely accused me of this.
LOL,Then he had the nerve to try to make this okay again by inviting me to a BBQ Party he was having.
I went upstairs to my place and screamed and cried to the top of my lungs.
When "Stephan" told "Edgar", he was so pissed that they did that to me.
He said how do they know he didn't learn that by watching them kiss or seeing it on TV.
He said it was fucked up they accused me of this.
I haven't forgiven them for this and I never will.
"Rachel" just recently apologized for what she did.
I lied and said it was okay even though it wasn't.
Till this day it still makes me cry when I think about it.
I'm crying now.

884 Ashford St, Brooklyn Again

When I dropped out, my family was so disappointed.
My father even thought to put me in Military School.
We came close to becoming homeless.
My father couldn't pay rent because he was spending half of his money on Lottery.

The day he won the lottery, he got 500,000 dollars.
He wanted to pay the rent but "Alex" found this house that "Rachel" and himself wanted.
They wanted "Rachel's" parents to live with them but they refused so we were second choice.
The house was an three family house.
So Pa paid half for the house and we moved.
During my hateful high school experience, my cat Loki died of old age.
He lived his last moments with my brother "Stephan".
It broke my heart but it hurt him more.
This poem is for my sweet, funny, best friend, and family member:

Funeral Blues
by: W.H. Auden

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message
He is dead,
Put the crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North,my South,my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now:
Put out every one;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

R.I.P., We loved you and miss you everyday!!!

XOXO

It took awhile before I got another cat. Her name is Shea, "Stephan" took one and "Edgar" took the other. Both were females.
"Stephan" got Shea for me, so I would have my own cat.
I absolutely love her.
She's my best friend who helped saved my from myself.

Flushing High Part 2

"Natalie's" husband/boyfriend wasn't the only one who tried to molest me.
There was this strange east Indian teenager boy who followed me when I was going to visit "Michael's" home. I was wearing a red shirt and black short skirt.
He kept saying he wanted to throw me on the ground and have sex with me.
He lifted my skirt to try to touch my vagina(I was wearing underwear, thank god.)
I stopped him from doing it and pushed my skirt back down.
Mind you this was happening when we were walking.
I kept screaming and cursing him to leave me alone.
Then he tried to push his hand down my shirt. I stopped him.

This happened during the summer school.
Thank God I made it to "Michael's house before anything tragic happened.
When he opened the door I was shaking and I told him what happened.
Then I burst into tears and he put his arm around to me to console me.
He told me he was going to get some of his friends to deal with him.
They threaten him to stay away from me.

I dropped out of High School because too much bad things has happened that I couldn't deal with it anymore.
I was hurting and alone.
I wanted to forget what happened in that school.

This is song is actually how I felt back then!!!

Cut
by:Plumb

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

A fragile flame aged
Is misery
And when our hearts meet
I know you see

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut

I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut
Pain
I am not alone
I am not alone

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

But I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I found it when

Flushing High School

My first day in school I got lost.
I finally got there I was relieved to know I wasn't late.
The first few weeks weren't so bad.
I got a crush from this cute guy with glasses.
We flirted all the time.
He was a senior who signed to the Navy.
On his last day of school, he visited me and gave me a pink rose.
When he called me I was my usual shy self and he lost interest.

I've made a lot of friends in this school.
My three best friends were "Nancy", "Yvette", and "Michael".
"Nancy" and "Michael" were introduced by me.
They started dating.
"Yvette", I met through "Nancy".
My friendship with "Nancy" was almost over with because of some bitch who thought I was having an affair with "Michael" because she saw us hanging out once.
I went shopping with him because he needed advice on what to get "Nancy" for Valentine's Day. Everything worked out for the best when we both told her what happened.

I showed him a stuff dog she loved and he bought it along with a gold diamond heart-shaped ring. He also bought her roses.
After awhile about two weeks later they broke up.
She gave me the ring.

One day after school, it was raining.
"Nancy", "Yvette", and I were playing around with our umbrellas singing "Singing in the Rain".
When "Nancy's" childhood friend "Matt" showed up.
He was so cute. Blue eyes, blond hair, tall, and lean.
When he saw "Yvette" he was interested, but she wasn't so I asked "Nancy" if she could set me up with him and she did.

Our first date was at the movies chaperon by "Nancy".
We tease each other and had a great time.
She made us kiss, so we did and I went home.

A day or so he called me and we talked.
He asked me out again to the movies and we did.
We saw the X-files first movie, the end of the date we made out and I went home.

During our three months together things weren't so great.
I had a feeling that he was seeing someone else.
On our last date he took me to a Carnival behind (at the time it was called "Shea Stadium")Shea.
I finally told him I loved him but, he didn't say it back.

The night of his brother's birthday party(This is not the same day as the date we had at Shea)I wasn't invited but, "Nancy" was and she forced me to go.
When we got there, "Matt" saw me and ran off. My instincts went off for a bit.
I told "Nancy" I had a bad feeling something was up.
When we were at the basement(Where the party was at)one of "Matt's" friends called me to come up.
I asked him what's up and he told me that "Matt" wanted to talk to me.
But he never showed up, When "Nancy" asked an old friend in Spanish what is going on, he refused at first but she said to say in Spanish.
She yelled at me it was time to go.
I demanded to know what is going on, she refused to tell me but,so I asked the guy and he told me.
Apparently, "Matt" was going to kiss his other girlfriend in front of me as a way of breaking up with me.
I found out that he was using me to get revenge on her for cheating on him.
I never knew he had a girlfriend at the time.
I was so pissed off and embarrassed.
We talked on the couch about it and I noticed in the corner of my eye that his girlfriend was angry at me because the guy was making me laugh and I heard her say why is she smiling. It looked to me that she was going to pick a fight with me but, "Matt's" brother and her friend stopped her and dragged her away.
I told "Nancy" let's go and we did.

I was heartbroken.
It felt like the walls and floors were caving all around me.
I was enraged.
I even snapped at "Nancy".
We went to a relative of hers', so she and I cam make some phone calls.
I called "Stephan" to stay over and she called one of her parents to ask.
She got someone to pick us up and we were at her home.
I ranted and raved at everything.

I still suffered for awhile,it started to pissed of "Nancy" that our friendship wasn't really the same since.
When "Nancy's" sweet sixteen party was coming, everyone rehearsed some Spanish dances with our partners. Mine was "Matt's" brother.
I finally started to move on when I developed to move on when I developed a crush on him.
On the night of party he gave me a rose.
We danced(I looked like an idiot, I so can't dance)
When it ended some friend of "Nancy's" gave me a ride home.
It was 3am and I didn't have me keys.
I wasn't allowed to bring a purse, so I had no place for the keys.
I was shouting for "Stephan" to open the door.
No one heard me.

Some stranger told me that the apartment building next door was opened and I can use the roof access to get to my apartment building.
So I did and had to dodge dog shit to get downstairs to the fifth floor.
I knocked on the door and "Stephan" let me in.
I was so pissed with him and told him about my little adventure.
Pa was also upset that "Stephan" didn't hear me.

"Nancy" never was allowed to have a boyfriend.
So my job was to cover for her.
When she and "John" wanted to go out.
I had to pretend that she and I were hanging out to the mall or movies.
Then they would be left alone and I would walk around and sit far away.
How a good friend was I?
The point will be clear soon.

One night, "Nancy's" friend wanted to have a party at her place.

So during the party everyone was drinking, but two of us didn't.
A guy and I.
He didn't for religious beliefs.
I didn't because my father was an alcoholic.
I swore I would never become him.
"Nancy" was completely drunk and her cousin and I were trying to stop here from going too far.
She had an bottle of alcohol and we took it from her.
When the mother of the girl who threw the party showed up.
She noticed that there was spilled alcohol on the table.
She was so upset she told all of us to go home.
When "Nancy's" mom came to picked her up and I.
"Nancy" told me to pretend that she isn't drunk.
To lie to her.
When I did her mom didn't buy it.
She told me she was going to lie and say that I told her the truth.
When she did "Nancy" admitted it and her mom told her I never told.
She knew because she could smell alcohol on her breath.
Everyone got in trouble except the guy and I.

The reason I said I had a point to being a good friend is about to start now.
I started dating this older guy (He was in his 20's).
I asked "Nancy" one night to lie to my dad if he ever called her and tell him I was there. When I went out with him, I got home late but it was fine since I thought my dad thought I was with "Nancy".
He always was OK with me coming home late whenever I was with her.
I got yelled at because "Nancy" called my home to talk to me.
I called her back and asked her why she did that.
In school she tells "Yvette" I was trying to get her in trouble with my dad.
With all the crap she made me lie to her mom would you think she would help in return.
I think she set me up, I think she wanted to get me in trouble.

She screws me over and then tries to play the victim.

My neighbor's boyfriend/husband at the train station tried to have an affair with me.
I was 16 at the time,scared, and I kept telling him to leave me alone.
No one helped me on the train.
They laughed when he was on his knees trying to make me look at him to kiss me.
I refused.
I was scared out of my mind. The last day I saw him I couldn't take it anymore of his harassing.
I ran to the front of the train and knocked on the door of the conductor.
I told him that this man was stalking and harassing me.
"Natalie's" boyfriend/husband tried to stop me and then ran away.
The conductor told me to sit near him at the door so if he comes back to let him know.
I sat down and cried.

This man was the reason I kept going to school late.
I told my brother "Stephan" and he told "Alex".
My father was the last to know.
My father and "Stephan" both threaten him to leave me alone or they will hurt him.
I found out that he did the same thing to "Julia".

The reason my friendship with "Nancy" ended was about a guy I bumped into who flirted with me.
When I told "Nancy" she told me he's a player and I believe her.
So I told her I won't give him a chance in hell since I hate cheating men.
Turns out later when she called me that she was secretly dating him.
She told me she didn't want to hurt me.
I told her I don't care about him and we're cool.

She seemed happy about it.
In about two days I was talking to this girl I knew on the train.
She asked me if I was interested on said guy.
I told her no and that he was dating my best friend "Nancy".
She told me that she never heard of her and that not to trust him, because a friend of hers' dated him.
He cheated on her.
"Nancy" and I had gym class.
I was afraid that "Nancy" won't believe me and think I was jealous, so I waited until after school to tell her.
I didn't see her, so I called her and her mom picked up.
I left a message.
I called "Yvette" about it and she told me to tell her.
So I did after school.
She already knew and I explained.
She was furious and wanted to know why.
I told her I was afraid she think I was jealous.

She misunderstood me and thought I said she was jealous.
"Yvette" tried to save me by repeating what I said.
The next day in gym she didn't say hi to me.
I asked "Yvette" if she was mad at me and "Nancy" interrupted saying she forgave me.
After that we were never friends.

She spent the rest of our high school lives destroying me to everyone.
She told everyone she met or I met that I stole her boyfriend. I guy I said many times to everyone including "Nancy" and the guy that I was not interested.
When I investigated further.
I found out that her so-called "Boyfriend" wasn't her boyfriend after all.
He told me he never dated her.
I didn't know what to believe.
Then he told me that she was a liar and crazy.
She once faked a pregnancy and accused him of killing the baby by smoking near her.
I told him she has a history of faking pregnancies.
She admitted it to me all the time to get attention.
She even lied about having an expensive car and condo.
(A car I might add I never saw.)
She is known to say anything to get people to feel sorry for her or manipulate them to befriend her.

In summer school, I was flirting with this guy in History class everyday.
It was our thing until "Nancy" came and tried to end it.
I use to sit next to him until one day she took my seat and was talking to him.
I knew they we're talking about me when he kept looking at my direction every few minutes.
The next day I got my seat back and they were exchanging notes.
When he went to the bathroom, she asked me to hand a note to his desk.
I pretended I did by putting it on the desk and then when her back was turned I took it and read it underneath my desk.
It said: "I'm sorry you have to sit next to that ugly girl".I was so pissed and I put the note back.

The guy talked to me about her.
How she told him I stole her "Boyfriend".
I was wearing "Michael's" heart-diamond shaped ring.
She used it as proof.
Forget the fact she gave it to me.
I told him this, I also told him that her "Boyfriend" wasn't and the many, many,lies she ever told.
When he confronted her about this he found out I was telling the truth.
He was angry that she would trash me to everyone and they would yelled at each other everything time.

"Nancy" tried to be my friend again asking me why we stopped hanging out.
I couldn't believe she was playing dumb.

I couldn't stand to go to school anymore.
I thought this school was going to be great but it was destroyed by a girl who I thought was my best friend.
The only friends I had left were "Michael" and "Yvette" who started dating.

But I got the feeling that three was a crowed.
So I stop hanging around them for a while.
I wanted to give them space so I did.
Their relationship didn't last.

Since before "Matt", I dated two guys in I.S.166(Not at the same time).
"Eddie" and another guy I don't remember his name.
My shyness of course screwed up both relationships but when I was dating "Unknown" I found out he was cheating on me.
"Eddie" and I ended because I never really wanted to date him so I ignored him and he dated someone else.

After "Matt", I dated two guys (again not the same time). "Frank" was from Flushing and the other guy I met on the 7 train.
In my lifetime I've been kissed by seven guys.
My first kiss was my biggest mistake. It was from an Korean guy who was involved with someone else. His name was "Meyer".
He also was from Flushing.
We met during this concert I had to perform for Guitar Class.
He told me I had pretty lips and he wanted to kiss me.

So we sat on his steps of his place and we kissed.
The other guys were: "Matt","Frank",the train guy, Russian guy,"Eddie","Adam", and some guy.
Oh, "Adam", I also dated but he couldn't date a girl who was too shy.
Unlike other teenagers, I never had sex.
I was always afraid to get pregnant or get Aids.
Till this day those same fears have kept me a virgin still.
So I never went all the way.
I also never had oral sex and since haven't.
The only thing I let happen was petting and fingering.

Mary Help The Christians

My first day wasn't so bad at first.
I was in the 8Th grade when I transfer schools.
They were nice at the beginning,but a few months passed and they isolated me.
Everyday at lunch they would sit together (the girls) and make me sit alone.
One day one of the teachers who felt sorry for me asked a girl to sit next to me, someone I once considered a friend and the girl bitched about it.
She didn't speak to me.
I found out the reason they ignored me was they thought I was nosy because I would stared at them.
I used to have this attention disorder,I would space out a lot when I was bored.
I could stare at you and not know you exist.

When the dust settled, I heard from one the girls that this other girl wanted to commit suicide,I wanted to tell her I've been there once but she was so pissed I was interfering that I was shunned once again.

I had a big crush on two guys at that school.
"Justin" and "Evan".
"Justin" had beautiful green eyes and "Evan" was so sweet and the only one who would talk to me.
But nothing happened..."Edgar" was just a friend.
"Justin", I was too shy to even talk to him.

October 4, 1996

The day my life changed forever.
My mom died at the hospital.
When we found out was when "Stephan", "Edgar", and I was watching tv. My dad, "Alex", and my sister-in-law "Rachel" came to our home."Rachel" had tears in her eyes. I had a bad feeling.
Before they came home they went to visit mom.
My dad turned off the tv and told us.
I cannot tell you how numbed I felt.
I felt so cold inside.
I couldn't move, speak,breathe, or feel anything.
The following weeks during the wake, my dad gave me money to buy some clothes.
So I went with "Stacy" (we tried to be friends again) and her mom.
We went everywhere looking for anything I liked.
Before we knew it, it was night time.

I called home with a payphone, but the calls didn't get through and I called many times.
When we got to my home, I was yelled at by everyone. My dad, brothers, and "Edgar".
I told them I'd called, but nobody believed me.
It broke my heart that my own family especially "Stephan" did not believed me.
Till this day a part of me hates him for what he did.
I still feel betrayed by "Stephan".
Something about betrayal that stays with you.

The day we buried her, I turned to "Stephan" and I saw him cry. Something happened that for the first time I cried.
Everyone hugged me, but my father kept yelling to leave me alone.
I guess he didn't want to see me cry.

This song is dedicated to my mom!

My Immortal
by:Evanescence

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all of my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Because your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

The wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot
erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all your fears
And I've held your hand through
all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me
by your resonating light
But now I'm bound by the life you left behind.

Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you've gone
And though you're still with me
I've been alone all along.

R.I.P MOM
I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU EVERYDAY.

I.S.166 Jr. High

I laughed at the memories of this school. Whew, the things that happened.
The first day I wore this orange sun dress with a jean vest.
We got to school late, missed the first class. So we thought ("Stacy" and I) to cut school.
So we went to this place where the factories were and walked around. We got caught by the cops and was forced to go back to school but before we went one of the cops was flirting with me and told me if only I was older he would be interested. We went back to school and the girls in Spanish class (I think it was Spanish or could have been History) made fun of me because my hair was a mess, so I fixed it, but they still made fun.

The months passed and there was this guy who always sat next to me in Social Studies who grabbed my ass everyday. I told my brother "Alex" and he reported to the principal.
The principal had the guy suspended for harassment.

When the year passed I was in the 8Th grade. It already started to go worse. I was threaten by girls who wanted to cut my face up, so I avoided them by cutting school.
The day I was caught when I asked "Julia" and "Stacy" to come with, we went to Starret City, a small outlet mall.
They have patrol officers who spotted us and took us to some sort of police station, where they patted us down and called our parents.
My father wasn't home and neither was "Stephan" so they said they will try again later.
They took us to school and we had an talk with the principal and teachers.

They spoke to us separately and I lied through my teeth. I told one of the teachers that we cut school together, but "Stacy" told the truth that It was my idea. "Julia" and I were shocked she sold me out. That was the end of our friendship. I told my family that there was the girls who threaten to cut me that I kept cutting school and it was true, I didn't feel safe there.
So they had me transfer to a Catholic school.

Introduction - P.S.273

My name is Jessica Alamo and I'm 26 years old from Brooklyn, New York.
I am the youngest of two brothers, "Alex" and "Stephen", the daughter of "Andy" and "Victoria" Alamo.
My home back then was an apartment building in the projects of 884 Ashford Street.
A home of rapists , murderers , drug addicts and sellers.
Not to mention your occasional gang member.
I have lived there since I was eighteen, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
Let's start at my old elementary school.
P.S. 273...
I never really fit in, my former best friend "Susan" even decided to stop being friends so she can be part of the popular group.
So I found new friends with "Stacy" and "Julia". "Julia", I met in second grade and "Stacy" in Kindergarden.
They were the only ones I could count on back then.
The only ones who didn't tormented me everyday.
It seems every grade I was in, I had a bully.
In my time there, I was such a crybaby, if someone even made fun of any little thing I did, I would cry and the teachers were tired of it.
They would tell me to get a backbone, stop letting the others get to me.
Kind of hard to do when I was such a dork.
I was clumsy, spilling everything, dropping things, falling on the stairs.
I loaded the gun and gave it to the bullies to use.
There were three girls who made my life hell.
Their names mean nothing to me now, but what they did then still does today.

The most tragic thing that happened was when "Stacy" tried to commit suicide.
She swallowed pills that no one saw when it was too late.
When class was looking at the teacher, she was at the back swallowing the pills by drinking from the class sink.
She was unconscious and foaming at the mouth.
The teacher tried to help her and then called for help.
They took her to the hospital, the teacher yelled at us for not paying attention or doing anything to stop her or called her.
"Stacy" had her stomach pumped and returned two weeks later.

My Favorite Song

Hello
By: Evanescence

Playground school bell rings again
Rain clouds come to play again
Has no one told you she's not breathing?
Hello I'm your mind giving you
Someone to talk to
Hello

If I smile and don't believe
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream

Don't try to fix me I'm not broken
Hello I'm the lie living for you so you can hide
Don't Cry

Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping
Hello I'm still here
All that's left of yesterday.

Author's Note

Hello, I know you probably don't want to read about my boring life and you don't care but I have always believe writing helps the soul and I write to express my feelings, share my experiences and let myself be vulnerable completely like the poem above.
It's about giving yourself to life.
Here's my story, post by post!
FYI, to protect my family and others identities, I will use fake names, so when you see quotation marks, those are fake names.

Dedication

I dedicate my memoir to my mother who passed away 14 years ago.
My best friend who was the only one who understood me and loved me regardless of what I've done and accepted my geeky self. :)

Memoir of An Human Punching Bag

I want to give myself utterly
as this maple that burned and burned
for three days without stinting
and then in two more
dropped off every leaf;
as this lake that,
no matter what comes
to its green-blue depths,
both takes and returns it.
In the still heart,
that refuses nothing,
the world is twice-born-
two earths wheeling,
two heavens ,
two egrets reaching
down into subtraction;
even the fish
for an instant doubled,
before it is gone.
I want the fish.
I want the losing it all
when it rains and I want
the returning transparence.
I want the place
by the edge-flowers where
the shallow sand is deceptive,
where whatever
steps in must plunging.
I want the ones
who are swallowed.
I want the way
the water sees without eyes,
hears without ears,
shivers without will or fear
at the gentlest touch.
I ward the way it
accepts the cold moonlight
and lets it pass,
the way it lets
all of it pass
without judgment or comment.
There is a lake,
Lalla Ded Sang, no larger
than one seed of mustard,
that all things return to.
O heart, if will not,
cannot, give me the lake,
then give me the song.

Lake and Maple
By: Jane Hirshfield