Middle Village,Queens: Then and Now

When we couldn't take living together anymore we went our separate ways.
Pa, "Stephan", and I moved to Middle Village, Queens.
Moving day was crazy as usual.
My cat Shea was crying to get out of her cage.
So I took her upstairs to our apartment.
I stayed there while "Stephan" and "Alex" moved our stuff into the apartment.
A few minutes passed and "Alex" came upstairs and told me to come down to watch the truck.
Then he asked me if I saw where Pa parked his car because it is missing.
I told him no and I found out that his car was towed.

Pa parked it where you can only park there Mon-Fri. We moved in Saturday.
"Alex" blamed it on me for not paying attention to where he parked it, he told "Stephan" that I need to stop living in another world in my head.
Translation=Airhead.
I wasn't even there,when Pa parked the car,I was upstairs.
Anyway, "Alex" called the tow people to find out when he can get his car back.
"Stephan" was also upset about it too, he boxes and a baby picture frame of me were in the car.
He got them back eventually.
When all our stuff was in each of the places they belong.
My father bought Chinese food for dinner.
It took about a day for our things to be placed in the right places.

It has been a struggle for "Stephan" and I when it comes to finding and keeping jobs.
Many arguments by our father for us to get jobs.
I personally wish I did have one so I can leave this bottomless pit of agony of a life living with him.
Never have to worry about clothes, make-up,pads, and other things if I had money to buy them.
I have a harder time getting work than "Stephan" because I don't have work experience and no high school diploma.

The rest of our lives here I wrote in my computer but my computer died so I might have lost everything and I don't remember what happened and what I wrote so I'm going to fast-forward a few months.

Long Island

Ha, my family invented the word Dysfunctional.
Our move to Long Island was the start of our hell.
"Edgar" wasn't kidding when he told "Stephan" living together with "Alex" and "Rachel" was a big mistake.
It started when they consistently ridiculed the way I took care of my nephew (their son) "Ron".
They are first time parents and they were a nightmare to work for.

The arrangement was "Alex" would pay for my high school diploma program and I would babysit little "Ron".
My father was responsible to buy milk for little "Ron" and when he got the wrong one I got yelled at.
I always told Pa to buy what "Alex" wanted but Pa seem to think he knew better and bought what he wanted.

"Stephan" and Pa got into an heated argument about it.
"Stephan" told him that because he buys the wrong milk all the time, "Jessica gets in trouble." He thought it wasn't fair to blame me since I have no control over a grown man like our father.
He also said it was their responsibilities for their child's needs.
Then there was Pa's smoking problem,
"Alex" did not want him smoking at home since the smoke travels to their place.
"Alex" even accused me of smoking once because he smelled smoke and since Pa wasn't there, it had to be me.
"Stephan" and I told him that smoke smell lingers for awhile and Pa smoked before he left.

I have never smoked and drank in my life. I am proud of that because I swore I would never be my father.
That's not the Fucking Worst thing they ever accused me of.
When they dared to accuse my of this that was the last thread holding our relationship together.
I will never forgive them.
They accused me of being a child molester even though they didn't say that word they might as well have.
Lil "Ron" started kissing or tried kissing people on their lips. They thought I taught him that because they didn't, they even asked their friends who have kids if their kids do the same thing and they said no.
So naturally it must be my fault.
I was speechless and crying. I told them no I didn't.
I couldn't breathe, I was so shocked that my own brother would falsely accused me of this.
LOL,Then he had the nerve to try to make this okay again by inviting me to a BBQ Party he was having.
I went upstairs to my place and screamed and cried to the top of my lungs.
When "Stephan" told "Edgar", he was so pissed that they did that to me.
He said how do they know he didn't learn that by watching them kiss or seeing it on TV.
He said it was fucked up they accused me of this.
I haven't forgiven them for this and I never will.
"Rachel" just recently apologized for what she did.
I lied and said it was okay even though it wasn't.
Till this day it still makes me cry when I think about it.
I'm crying now.

884 Ashford St, Brooklyn Again

When I dropped out, my family was so disappointed.
My father even thought to put me in Military School.
We came close to becoming homeless.
My father couldn't pay rent because he was spending half of his money on Lottery.

The day he won the lottery, he got 500,000 dollars.
He wanted to pay the rent but "Alex" found this house that "Rachel" and himself wanted.
They wanted "Rachel's" parents to live with them but they refused so we were second choice.
The house was an three family house.
So Pa paid half for the house and we moved.
During my hateful high school experience, my cat Loki died of old age.
He lived his last moments with my brother "Stephan".
It broke my heart but it hurt him more.
This poem is for my sweet, funny, best friend, and family member:

Funeral Blues
by: W.H. Auden

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message
He is dead,
Put the crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North,my South,my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now:
Put out every one;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

R.I.P., We loved you and miss you everyday!!!

XOXO

It took awhile before I got another cat. Her name is Shea, "Stephan" took one and "Edgar" took the other. Both were females.
"Stephan" got Shea for me, so I would have my own cat.
I absolutely love her.
She's my best friend who helped saved my from myself.

Flushing High Part 2

"Natalie's" husband/boyfriend wasn't the only one who tried to molest me.
There was this strange east Indian teenager boy who followed me when I was going to visit "Michael's" home. I was wearing a red shirt and black short skirt.
He kept saying he wanted to throw me on the ground and have sex with me.
He lifted my skirt to try to touch my vagina(I was wearing underwear, thank god.)
I stopped him from doing it and pushed my skirt back down.
Mind you this was happening when we were walking.
I kept screaming and cursing him to leave me alone.
Then he tried to push his hand down my shirt. I stopped him.

This happened during the summer school.
Thank God I made it to "Michael's house before anything tragic happened.
When he opened the door I was shaking and I told him what happened.
Then I burst into tears and he put his arm around to me to console me.
He told me he was going to get some of his friends to deal with him.
They threaten him to stay away from me.

I dropped out of High School because too much bad things has happened that I couldn't deal with it anymore.
I was hurting and alone.
I wanted to forget what happened in that school.

This is song is actually how I felt back then!!!

Cut
by:Plumb

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

A fragile flame aged
Is misery
And when our hearts meet
I know you see

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut

I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut
Pain
I am not alone
I am not alone

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

But I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I found it when